Horses, God’s elegant gift to mankind.

Horses, also know as Hoslins, Hozzles–and on the rare occasion that debauchery prevailed, Hozzle Nozzles–were once considered the most intelligent and sophisticated animals known to the universe. Horses have been to known to wear a jaunty top hat and a monocle, even on days they are at their absolute worst. You may also see a horse sauntering about wearing a vest made of the finest Oriental silk and a garland of fine roses. Even the poorest horse can be found wearing a gentlemanly bouquet of red carnations pinned ‘neath his collar. It is believed that horses from the future have graced us with their presence throughout history. The horses traveled from outer space and are usually described as wearing an aluminum suit polished to perfection, and bundles of babys breath fastened about their mane.It is thought that horses have also helped bring about the inventions of aero planes. Legend has it that Orville Wright would leave a cubelet of sugar resting atop his window sill when evening was nigh. It is supposed that this was an offering to all celestial horses to whisper their heavenly knowledge to Orville as he slumbered deeply, his pillow scented with lavender and opiates to help bring about a restful sleep. Some say a grand stallion came to Orville and whispered the secrets of the universe. That fateful night, mankind’s future was forever changed.

Of course, there are horse’s detractors. Some wonder, if horses are so splendid, why is it they are so susceptible to rattlesnake bites. This, of course, is preposterous. Even societies great men, such as Theodosius Parketty and Vladalittle Poolinnieta have succumbed to the bite of the Snakedolan Rattleana. Of course, some say they were weakened by their unsavory homosexuality, but this is neither the time or the place to get into that whole mess.

Horses remain one of the fiercest and most cunning creature on the history of creatures, and one must assume they will uphold their spot in the Hall of the Most Cunning Creature in the History of Creatures. They will remain next to the deadly yet nurturing Raptor, the fierce bird-creature of ye age olde.

If you spot a raptor noodling about in your neighborhood, please call 1-800-Crime-Stoppers. This has been a public service announcement by the State of Arkansas Attack Victims of Raptors and Violent Deadly Horses.

all about the dreaded WAMPIRE

Q.why are they called wampires?

A.Because they must be differentiated from your normal everyday vampire.wampires are the deadliest and most ugly of all the vampires.

Q.How can you make a wampire out himself?

A.Say, “Out, thee wampire!!”Any wampire hiding behind any shrubbery,large dogs, etc. must stand up and show themselves.

Q.Then what?

A.Then you must run, for the wampire will immediataly begin the chase!

Q.What do wampires like to dine on?

A.the blood and flesh of mammals.

Q.Any particular breed?

A.They find Italians and Mexicans to be too garlicky-some call wampires racist, but the wampired do not trifle about with human insecurities.The wampires prefer northern europeans, those from england, norway, etc.They are also quite fond of canadians.Most wampires find victims from the United States to be delicious, but hard on the arteries.

Q.Why would wampires worry about their arteries?Don’t they live forever as long as they are not stabbed in the heart?

A.Yes, but they find it effects their swiftitude and are less able to lurk, skulk, snake, and prowl about.(ed. note-thank you, yahoo thesaurus)

Q.How do wampires prefer their hair to be coiffed?

A.The devil lock is popular–see Glen Danzig.Also popular is the shaven look.It is difficult to wash blood out of hair, but some say style is more important than ease of washing.

Me:Thank you, wampire. We will be interviewing you again in the near future.

Wampire:Thanks, love you.

Me:Love you too, wampire.Give the kids a kiss for me.

Wampire:Will do.

Next in our Vampire series:Grandpires (not to be confused with human grandparents)!The grandpire are the noblest of all vampires and we have one who is willing to elegantly answer our doltish questions!

what i learned at work this week

5.Sometimes you think something will turn out really good and it just turns out okay.Sometimes you think something will turn out shitty, but looks good.Ex-I was cutting this lady’s hair and it didn’t blend at all.Some pieces were longer than others, some were too short,instead of just blending.I worried about it all night.I thought “Oh god, she’s gonna go home and realize her hairs all fucked up and tell all her friends to never come to me.”She came by the following day though to show me how awesome her hair looked, and yes,her hair looked really really good.which leads to..

4.Just because something is not technically perfect, doesn’t mean it won’t be a good haircut.

3.When someone tells you they want their bangs cut above their eyebrows, do not ever cut them way the fuck above their eyebrows, especially if their hair is still wet.

2.This is the perfect job for starting out.Even if idont have clients i can at least make a little money.

1.Don’t tell your clients that, although 40 is the new 20, 42 is the new 85, making them 2 years too late.They might not get that your joking.

…and now they’re just sitting in their car outside the salvation army

oh the things i have seen in this neighborhood.

last summer:a guy walking by my apt with a tv in a box.some hispanic guy comes by and starts yelling at him and threatening him.there was some lady in a wheelchair with the guy with the tv. the tv thief was wheeling the woman along in the wheelchair, while they were screaming at each other.hispanic guy comes tearing up the street screaming and pulls a knife on tv thief.we call police and the battle it out on the corner of 4th and d.eventually all parties are sent upon their merry ways.

tonight:i hear what sounds like dogs barking for a few minutes.then i realize i’m hearing people screaming so wildly that i think it must be drunk people having a good time.i go out on the porch and see a car driving very slowly down the street.i hear some man who is not in the car screaming and cussing at the top of his lungs.the car slows to a stop and turns around and drives in front of the middle house, out of my view.i hear more screaming.starr asks if he should call the police and i say wait.the car turns around again and slowly drives back in the direction they just came from.i see a little girl, maybe 8 or 10, running down the street and getting into the car.the car drives in front of the advertising agency and i can’t see them anymore,but i know that the car has stopped.cars driving by slow down, almost stop,but continue driving.i can hear people screaming VERY loudly and it seems to get violent for a few seconds.i am shaking,probably because of the cold, and tell starr to yes, now call the police.a few seconds later i see a police car pull up.i guess someone else called the police.the people keep screaming.i run out to the red house porch to get a better view.there is someone laying on the street in front of the police car, screaming, while the police try to pull him(?) up from the ground.starr comes out on the porch.we listen to the screaming and kind of chuckle a little because it is so bizarre.i tell starr, these people are probably having one of the worst moments of their lives and we’re laughing.but it was just absurd.

few weeks ago:starr and i noticed ashes on the ground in front of the yellow house, where we have new renters.we found out a few days later that the guy that lives there fell asleep while he was smoking in bed and his mattress caught on fire.he dragged his mattress into the front yard i guess, from upstairs.starr says he saw a burnt mattress and a couple trash bags full of bedding in the field across the street.i see it too a few days later.this really pisses me off.we have a huge dumpster!

sorry if this is kind of stream of concious–i was planning on winding down for the evening about an hour ago, and i’m eager to do my yoga so am hurrying.

january wrap up

a top ten list of januarys occurances.

10.taking state board exams and passing!

9.getting a job

8.nerding out in dallas on new years eve.i spent that night looking at gossip blogs on the internet.

7.buying a shitload of books at half price books.

6.figuring out how to work a feed reader

5.having it snow on the last day of the month

4.getting excited about the new baby on the way!

3.making smoothies

2.going to dallas with mom and dad, and also with starr for our anniversary

1.getting a new tattoo

fucking snow, what the hell??!

So it snowed like, a quarter of an inch yesterday and today.Maybe half an inch.the roads are just barely icey but somehow everything is closed today.There is a Subway about 4 blocks away from my house, and one block away from starrs workplace downtown.Because I had to be into work at 1pm, we decided to meet there.well, they were fucking closed.because of the snow.we’re on 5th, and we had to drive to the subway at 45th to eat.it was opened, and delicious!i dropped starr of at work after we ate and made my way to my mall salon.i walked into the mall and went on my way to work,but when i got there that chain fence thingy they have at mall stores was closed.i’m really glad because i havent had time at all this week to sit down and write on here.yesterday was my first day off really, and i cleaned up, cleaned out the fridge, did 4 huge loads of laundry, vacuumed, went grocery shopping and played with the new puppy and took it out to poop for starrs mom, as she was out of town.lthen last night starr and i walked to la huerta to eat,then watched the stupid finale of top chef.so i was so glad that i would actually have some time to laze around today.yay!

el fenix

we ate at one of my favorite mexican restaurants in dallas this weekend, el fenix.

they have the most delicious, crispy chips.they are of medium thickness, more thick than most restaurant tortilla chips.the salsa is also pretty good, really lime-y tasting to me.the cheesedip at el fenix is the only thing thats not so great.it’s kind of watery and thin.made with yellow cheese.its not disgusting, i can definetely eat a lot of it, but its better over an enchilada and not just with chips or a tortilla.

i had two cheese enchiladas with beans and a guacamole tostado.it was enough food to have one whole other meal for leftovers.the enchiladas are good.i guess its hard to mess up enchiladas unless youre in upstate new york or something.i hear its a daily occurance there.I also hear it’s a daily occurance to miserably screw up guacamole in upstate new yor.well, not at el fenix.unlike some places in upstate new york, the guacamole did not consist entirely of mashed up avacodos.no, there were tomatoes, probably some cilantro, spices, peppers, etc.it was delicious.the beans were also very good.they were very rich but not overly heavy.

they also have a triple leche cake there.it is three thin layers of yellow cake soaked in milk.between the layers is vanilla cream.on top is a semi-sweet chocolate ganache.it was very good, but i guess i’m not used to eating wet cake.it tasted great but almost made me gag to eat it, because it was so soggy.but i guess thats how it was supposed to be.

mid-week and one day top ten

10.snot is pouring forth from two out of three orifices on my head

9.the Great Snow Dusting of 2007(GSD07) that forced many Fort Smith shops to shut their doors…for good!

8.i’ve been doing yoga almost daily for a month now and i love it!

7.getting to eat these from ikea:

man those cookies are fucking good.the cake is a chocolatey torte with crispy pieces of toffee under the chocolate on top, and vanilla cream inside the cake.not pictured:oat cookie sandwiches that taste like they’ve been fried,with chocolate in the center and spilling onto the edges, like an oreo, but entirely different;macaroni and cheese with potatoes and mixed veggies and a roll.ikea has yummers cafeteria food.

6.starr’s mom got a new puppy dog who is tiny and black and really cannot run very fast at all.

5.being to busy to write on my blog this week.

4.my tivo didn’t record passions on tuesday.instead it recorded a retarded episode of last seasons top chef.i mean what they hell?

3.finding frozen mango at walmart to make the most delicious smoothies ever:

some soy milk, a little oj, handful of:blueberries, strawberries and mango, and a whole banana.

2.not having to go to work today because of the GSD07.

1.getting to spend time with mom and dad all weekend.

a few things i got from urban outfitters and others

this looks much better on me than on the model.

i got a cute little black button up cardigan with long sleeves to go over this.

these and another pair of shoes(black mary janes) from clarks.

some of the things we got at ikea

a new shower curtain because i got hair color on the edge of our old one and i was tired of the old one because it was frilly.

a fascinating and scintillating new kitchen timer!

the rug closest to the camera for the bathroom

the rug farthest from the camera, for the kitchen

a hot and incredible vegetable chopper